The Enigma that is "The Photographer"

Several things have puzzled us about photographers:-

Why do Photographers call lenses "glass"? Lens is a perfectly good word, shorter too. In answer to the phrase "I've got some great glass" reply "Well put a double scotch in one and pass it here"

Why do Photographers take landscape pictures in dull light and then convert them to black and white? Usually accompanying them with the phrase "I was interested more in the tones and textures" Translation - "I know its rubbish, but its black and white, so I can pretend its art"

Why do photographers think pinhole cameras are interesting? Instead of just another way to make a rubbish picture.

Why do photographers think Lensbaby's are interesting? Instead of just another way to make an rubbish picture.

Why do photographers think Lomo cameras are interesting? Instead of...... you get the idea.

Why do photographers think Holga cameras etc. etc....... See above.

Why do photographers buy security camera lenses that the company who made them has been trying to get rid of for years and then say something like "I love the vignetting" ?

Why do photographers buy some beaten up old camera at a car boot sale for a few pounds and then spend £7000+ having hand tooled replacement parts made only to find the camera when restored to pristine condition takes pictures no better than a pinhole camera, Lensbaby, Holga, Lomo, Security camera lens (sorry, glass) etc.

Why do photographers post endless pictures of their cats in forums?

Why do photographers post endless pictures of their dogs in forums?

Why do photographers pack two bodies, 6 lenses, teleconverter, 2 flashguns, spare batteries, extra memory cards and tripod into a rucksack and then go off into the garden to take a picture of their cat (or dog) ?

Why do photographers think HDR images look "great"? Or does it stand for Horrible Disgraceful Rubbish?

Why do photographers take a rubbish picture then rather than delete it start looking down the Photoshop filter menu? "Mmmm.... Mezzotint looks interesting"

Why do photographers answer a forum post saying "Which of these lenses do you think is the best" by saying "Well I have never used either of those but......."?

Why do photographers answer a forum post about absolutely anything at all by saying "Well I use (long list of equipment) and I find that serves me well?

Why do photographers walk around photographic shows carrying equipment that would take a picture of an ant from 3 miles away?

Why do photographers trample each other to death to get a photograph of a girl in a bikini at a photographic show? Or is this the answer to the previous question?

Why do photographers put black tape over their cameras names to fool muggers and burglars into thinking that their cameras are worthless, when in fact muggers and burglars walk around looking for photographers with black tape over their cameras name in order to "pay them a visit later"?

Why do photographers walk up to another photographer who is using a tripod and say "What are you photographing? The answer of course is "I'm shooting in black and white because I'm interested in the tones and textures" Translation - "Well bugger all actually!"

Why do "wildlife" photographers dress from head to toe in army surplus? Do they know something we don't or are sparrows really dangerous?

Why do "wildlife photographers" shoot from "hides" ? Is it because they don't want the wildlife to see their army surplus?

Why do "street photographers" take pictures of down and outs who are usually too weak from lack of food to tell them to "go away" or words to that effect. Why don't they take pictures of 18 stone bald guys in Doc Martins with a swastika tattooed on their forehead instead? Maybe if they wore the army surplus.....?

Why do photographers who roam the streets taking unflattering pictures of people and annoying them beyond belief then howl "Its a police state" when said people complain about being bothered by a "Nutter with a camera" ?

Write your answer to this last question on a postcard and send it to Martin Parr.